There is never victory in war
by Cityonahill
Summary: The kindest people you ever encounter are the probably the bravest, strongest and most jaded people you'll ever met. The difference between them and the other jaded souls, is the way they chose to deal with their lot in life. Cora Ackerman's fight in this war goes deeper then just against the titans. And it goes further then just killing the titans. (war-realistic perspective)
1. Chapter 1

Full summary: The kindest people you ever encounter are the probably the bravest, strongest and most jaded people you'll ever met. The difference between them and the other jaded souls, is the way they chose to deal with their lot in life. Cora Ackerman's fight in this war goes deeper then just against the titans. And it goes further then just killing the titans. Cora is a team captain, a strong woman that refuses to let go of her hopes and dreams in face of adversity (war-realistic perspective)

Authors note: I enjoy war-stories packed with action, and I'll try to produce as much as that as possible. But most of all, I desire to convey the pain, sufferings and hopes of a soldier at war. (Since I've never been in one, I referred to online accounts and my imagination ).

Chapter 1: Female titan

" _Empathize with your enemy, it doesn't justify their actions, but it explains it to us. Maybe then, hate will stop. "_

It was the cry of a cornered animal, desperate and afraid. Frantic for a way out. It was a cry I was so keenly familiar with; no dignity, no pride, no rules. In that moment, there is only one thing you hold to; to survive. It didn't matter if you walked away leaving a bloody trail or with one limb left on you, as long as you walked away.

 _What is she trying to do?_

Then the stench of rotting flesh hit me accompanied by the horrifyingly familiar thumping of heavy footfalls. The thumpings that haunted my dreams every night, thumping that I never wanted to hear again, but thumpings that I always found myself running towards. For the sake of freedom we were each so willing to put our lifes on the line. Just like how she was.

"Defend the female titan, don't let them eat her! Defend her with your lifes!"

Ironic wasn't it? I am told to defend my enemy from herself. It was laughable, and yet so sad and painful, because what makes her so different from me? Her desperation is as blood curling as my own, too many times has the blood stained earth mocked me. I knew the extent she would go, just as I did in the past. No rules, only one goal.

Grappling hooks raced past me, men and women alike threw themselves in the frenzy. Their comrades didn't die just so that she could play "martyr". In a single day, her life was became the worth of at least a hundred lives, a hundred lives were given to capture her. And it was a hundred lives that I wasn't going to let go down the drain.

It didn't come to me as a surprise when Commander Erwin gave the order to withdraw, but my form remained still. I looked down and made eye contact with him, one look and the barest nod, before his strong form was shooting out through the trees.

I waited for the titans to gnaw her arm tendons off, and then like a pin being pull out of a hand-grenade, her hands fell off from her neck. I didn't wait for her form to emerge; my hook was already in her neck, my sword slicing through her muscle tendons. Any lesser man may have hesitated, afraid of killing the female within, but my sword was steady. My work was quick, but so was she. She must have felt my hook the moment it pierced her skin, with a knife already in her hand, her arm shot out at me. I sidestepped her half exposed form, and grabbed her arm, using her momentum, toppling her forward and hooked the back of my knee around her throat, crushing her windpipe. Immediately, with my free hand, I hit her pressure point at her shoulder, knocking her out.

I made quick work of her legs, slicing them off at her knees, where the joints were soft and easy to cut through. And I shoved sleeping drugs down her throat, careless of whether she would choke. The distinct sound of zipping line alerted me to the presence of another, whipping my head around, I was pleased to see familiar dull grey eyes meeting mine. Silently, we grabbed her form and shot out from the mess behind us.

Hange was waiting for us at the edge of the camp, when we arrived. We worked quickly, stripping her of all weapons and accessories before encasing her arms in metal vessels. We locked her body down and loaded her behind a veil on a wagon. We read each other's body language well, without words me and Levi moved off to mount our own horses, leaving Hange to inject whatever titan-lullaby-baby serum into the unconscious young girl.

I trotted over to Erwin's side, "we are ready to move."

"We can't leave! His body is still in the forest, we can't leave him there!" out of my field of vision, I heard desperate sobs of a young man.

So painfully reminiscent. How many times have I heard soldiers crying for the young lives of their friends?

"We promised to join survey crops and to fight for freedom together!" How they cry on the behalf of the broken and bleeding dreams that they had once promised to seek after together.

" _Hey Cora, what are you fighting for?"_

" _Mmm, I don't know. To end, I guess. When we can wander outside these walls, climb trees and dance in rivers. When we can finally live without fear," I laughed with mild amusement, because honestly my dream was sweet but so faint. "Why do you ask, Farlan? What are you fighting for?"_

" _I fight for you. I fight for the people I love. I fight for the strangers that cheer me on. I fight for those who spit at our faces." He said as he turned his face to me. He grinned, "I like the world you dream of."_

 _I scoffed, "It's just a dream, far and distant. More men then titans die every expedition. I hate sounding like a pessimist, but it's impossible."_

" _Nah, come on, sweetheart. The only place where your dream is impossible is in your own thinking." He rested his hand gently on my shoulder, "never stop pursuing your dream, when you dream, your life wakes up and everything has meaning."_

"Quarrelling children?" Levi stepped in, his voice was stone cold, "If you have confirmed he's dead, that's enough. Whether or not you have the body, dead is dead. It doesn't change a thing."

"We will report Ivan and the others as missing", Erwin said as he moved to walk away, "that's my final decision, leave it at that."

"Do you both not possess any human feelings?" he cried out, struggling against the arms of his friend that sought to hold him back.

I reached out and gripped the young man tightly on his shoulder, "Ivan may be gone, but you are not." I placed my palm on his heart, "you carry his dreams and his hopes. You are his legacy. Just as every one of us here, is the living legacy of those who gave their lives today, yesterday and the last many years. The capacity to grieve is as much part of us as the capacity to love, grieve for your friend, let your heart break for him. But I'll tell you the truth, the tragedy of life is not death, but what we let die inside of us while we live. Grieve, but get up after that and keep fighting for the dreams you shared."

Stories of war glory never tell of the heartbreak, of the war-hardened young men and women who never forget.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Last goodbye

"Some believe that it is only great power that can hold evil in check. But that is not what I have found. I found that it is the small things. Every day deeds by ordinary folk that keeps the darkness at bay" - Gandalf

We rode back into the town, the mood of the returning parades never changes. There is always an atmosphere of tension and quiet among the townsman that stand as they watch us march in. Some stifled gasps will be heard, sharp intakes of breath as relatives and lovers catch sight of their retuning loved ones. They don't let their joy show, for the sake of those collapsing on their knees. The pattern repeats everytime, but its occasionally broken by the confused voice of young children asking where their daddy is. They run up to the captains of their father's team, pulling on their boots. It just never happened to me before. I had been captain for so long and I've had many of my men die under my charge, but I've never been confronted with a child quietly demanding to be carried up in arms of their daddy. School might have been hard that week, the school bully may have had taken all her lunches, and she just wanted to hug her daddy and remember what it was like to feel safe and secure.

"Where's my daddy?"

My voice caught in my throat and the world shuts down for a moment, and all I could see was the young girl holding a dirtied teddy bear, staring at me, waiting patiently for me to answer her. I could be a coward right now, keep riding and never look back. Refuse to account to why her daddy would no longer be tucking her into bed. I could almost laugh, because I knew that I would rather ride out alone, beyond the walls and back into that forest to bring her daddy back, than to tell her the truth. Slowing my horse to a stop, I dismounted and got my knees in front of her and gently took her hands.

 _How does someone tell a child that their father was dead?_

"Your daddy is…erm…ah…" I docked my head, I couldn't look at her, I couldn't breathe, I could only see the sea of red where the bodies laid. So many lives, husbands, fathers, mothers, daughters, wives. My tirade of thoughts halted as soft little hands cradled my face, "why are you crying?" Her childish voice was soft and compassionate. Was she comforting me now? She tilted her head to the side, her chubby hands clumsily wiping my tears away. I laughed softly, "I…I…" I pressed my lips together, I couldn't say it.

Suddenly I felt her little hands ripped from mine, and the face of a beautiful young woman contorted with anger, snarled at me, "don't you dare touch my daughter, everything you damn soldiers touch and do is cursed. You only know how to take lives away from us!"

I staggered back from the intensity of her hate. Speechless. What could I say to a woman who just lost her husband? Her lover is dead, while I am still alive. Was I supposed to be apologetic for living?

Her palms slammed against my chest, pushing me on to the ground and knocking my breath right out of me. My ears rung with her voice as she began screaming into my face and her fist never stopped in its relentless assault against me. I gasped for breath; every breath that I took was quickly knocked out of me. Every expedition was just like this, wasn't it? We all are left breathless from this road we walk, while some will come to a journey end, many of us will continue, all the while praying that we would see them again. Oh, why do the white gulls call? How often have we wished that the grey curtains would roll back? So that we could see over the horizon, across the waters, watch all turn to silver glass, as the ships would bring our loved ones to shore. Perhaps then our hearts will be able to say farewell, but even if we screamed till our words dried out, all things are doomed to fade. And after every expedition, some young hearts would learn of this and sorrowing they must go on.

As her strength seeped out of her, she collapsed into me, clutching at my cloak, as if clinging on to an anchor that would keep her afloat above the memories that threatened to drown her. My arms wrapped around her and as she cried for her lover, I cried for those still living, "It's okay, it's okay, we'll be alright".

That evening we held the burning in the town square, a large wood pyre was set up. Civilians and soldiers alike watched the fires climb high into the sky. The crackling of the fire filled the silence of the night, the quiet melody to the song in each person's heart.

Though each person stood alone in the darkness of the night, our hearts were as one. Some cried, some simply watched the smoke rise up to the stars, curling and dancing over the flaming pyre, as though the dead soldiers were rejoicing to have been released from the war. I closed my eyes, listening to the songs of the flames, in that moment, I begun to sing.

 _I saw the light fade from the sky_

 _On the wind I heard a sigh_

 _As the snowflakes cover_

 _My fallen brothers_

 _I will say this last goodbye_

 _Night is now falling_

 _So ends this day_

 _The road is now calling_

 _And I must away_

 _Over hill and under tree_

 _Through lands where never light has shone_

 _By silver streams that run down to the sea_

 _And though where the road then takes me,_

 _I cannot tell_

 _We came all this way_

 _But now comes the day_

 _To bid you farewell_

 _Many places I have been_

 _Many sorrows I have seen_

 _But I don't regret_

 _Nor will I forget_

 _All who took that road with me_

 _To these memories I will hold_

 _With your blessing I will go_

 _To turn at last to paths that lead home_

 _And though where the road then takes me,_

 _I cannot tell_

 _We came all this way_

 _But now comes the day_

 _To bid you farewell_

As the words faded into the night, a young man came and sat down beside me. Wordlessly, he handed me a piece of bread. I looked at him from the corner of my eye, it was the young man from before. "Thank you," I whispered, taking a bite of the warm bread as I waited for him to articulate the words on his heart.

"Teach me"

I smiled and laughed softly, "teach you what? There is nothing I can teach you, that your own captain can't."

"No, I want to learn from you. You are different from the other captains." I turned and regarded him, though half of his face was hidden in the shadows, and his eyes reflected a fierce glint that not even the darkness of the night could hide.

"What's your name and who is your captain?" I said as I moved to get up.

"Elon Armiel under Captain Vitor from team 68," he raised his head to follow my movement, his green eyes held my gaze unwaveringly.

"Get a good rest tonight, meet me at training ground 4 at 9 am tomorrow morning." I paused and gripped his shoulder firmly, "let me see what you've got, first."


End file.
